Most people think happiness is about feeling good all the time.

It’s not.

Happiness is about how much potential pain you’re willing to risk in exchange for joy.

I explain it through what I call The Teeter-Totter Effect.

The Middle Life vs. The Edge Life

There are two ways to ride:

1. The Middle

You sit safely near the center. You don’t go up too high, and you don’t drop too low. Life is stable, predictable — fine. Which is really just another word for emotionally flatlined.

1. The Edge

You inch all the way toward the end. The highs are higher — joy, love, purpose, passion, awe — but when you drop, you feel it — grief, fear, heartbreak, rejection.

Neither way of living is wrong.

But here’s the key:

This isn’t a personality difference. It’s a nervous system difference.

Enter: The Primal Wounds

Every one of us carries early-life imprints — what I call Primal Wounds — that shape how much emotional intensity we can tolerate.

Examples:

“I am damaged” → Often drawn to high-stimulation living: impulsivity, adrenaline, recklessness. Their edge tolerance is high, even if their stability is low.

“I am powerless” → Avoids risk, seeks control. Staying in the middle feels safer than potentially being thrown off.

These wounds don’t just affect relationships — they determine our happiness ceiling.

The Neuroscience of Happiness (And Why Safety Matters More Than Positivity)

Here’s the hard science:

Happiness isn’t just feeling good — it’s feeling regulated.

When your nervous system is calm, your brain opens the gates for dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin — the happiness cocktail.

But if your system is stuck in fight, flight, or freeze because your primal wounds are whispering “Back away — this isn’t safe,” your teeter-totter locks in place.

You cannot access joy while your body is bracing for impact.

So How Do You Expand Your Happiness Capacity?

Not by “thinking positive.”

Not by numbing or bypassing pain.

But by training your nervous system to tolerate more aliveness.

Here’s how:

Secure Relationships (Co-Regulation)

You don’t regulate alone. Having even one emotionally safe person lowers cortisol and raises serotonin — like ballast for your nervous system.

Emotional Resilience (Faster Recovery, Not Perfect Control)

Happiness isn’t about avoiding lows — it’s about bouncing back faster. Breathwork, cold exposure, laughter, and movement increase vagal tone, your resilience marker.

Gratitude and Meaning-Making (Shift from Threat to Resource)

Not fluffy — gratitude literally reroutes attention toward reward and possibility.

Self-Expression and Autonomy (Suppression Kills aliveness)

If you’re performing instead of living, your system shuts down. Even small acts of honesty and agency boost dopamine.

People say they want happiness.

But most actually want comfort.

Comfort lives in the middle of the teeter-totter.

Happiness lives at the edges.

So the real question is:

Are you trying to avoid pain — or are you willing to feel everything?

Because happiness isn’t a mood. It’s a willingness to stay present — even when the teeter-totter drops.

Is your Primal Wound driving your ability to experience happiness? Find out here.