BUT, WHAT?
A concept I talk about often with clients is learning to live life in the AND, not the BUT.
Most of us are taught to think in "buts."
"I love my spouse, BUT..."
"I appreciate my job, BUT..."
"I'm grateful for my life, BUT..."
"I've made progress, BUT..."
The problem with the word but is that it often erases whatever came before it.
It's as if our brains can only hold one truth at a time.
But life rarely works that way.
The healthiest people I've met have learned to replace the BUT with an AND.
"I love my spouse, AND sometimes they drive me crazy."
"I'm grateful for my job, AND I'm ready for a new challenge."
"I miss someone deeply, AND I'm moving forward."
"I'm disappointed by how something turned out, AND I can still find meaning in it."
"I'm healing, AND I still have hard days."
The AND creates space.
The BUT creates opposition.
The AND allows multiple truths to exist simultaneously.
The BUT forces us to choose.
Much of suffering comes from believing we must pick a side.
We believe we must either be strong OR vulnerable.
Confident OR afraid.
Hopeful OR grieving.
Successful OR struggling.
Yet the reality is that human beings are capable of experiencing all of these things at once.
I can be deeply grateful for my life AND still have moments of sadness.
I can forgive someone AND maintain boundaries.
I can love someone AND recognize they are not healthy for me.
I can feel uncertain AND take action anyway.
This is emotional maturity.
It's the ability to hold complexity without needing to simplify everything into heroes and villains, right and wrong, good and bad.
Nature understands this.
A tree can be growing AND losing leaves.
A river can be powerful AND gentle.
The sun can be setting AND preparing to rise somewhere else.
Yet we often deny ourselves that same complexity.
We tell ourselves we should be over it by now.
That we should know the answer.
That we shouldn't feel two things at once.
But maybe the goal isn't to eliminate contradiction.
Maybe the goal is to become large enough to hold it.
In 7 Primal Wounds™, I discuss how many of our deepest wounds push us toward either/or thinking. We become trapped in narratives that say we're either worthy or unworthy, loved or abandoned, successful or a failure.
Healing often begins when we discover another option.
The AND.
The place where growth lives.
The place where compassion lives.
The place where reality lives.
So today, I invite you to notice where you've been using a BUT.
And ask yourself:
What would happen if I replaced it with an AND?
You may discover that both things are true.
And that there is more freedom there than you imagined.
With gratitude,
Dr. Michaela
P.S. One of the clearest signs of healing is the ability to hold two seemingly conflicting truths at the same time. Life is rarely either/or. More often, it's both/and.