Let’s talk about fear and control — two things that can either save your life or destroy your relationships, depending on how well you understand them.

As a therapist and a pilot, I’ve seen fear show up in two very different cockpits:
– The one with gauges, altitude, and rudder pedals
– And the one in your brain, where your nervous system is just trying to keep you alive

But here’s the thing: fear doesn’t make us logical — it makes us controlling.
And when we don’t know we’re afraid, we mistake control for competence, overthinking for protection, and shutdown for strength.

In both aviation and psychology, overcorrecting due to fear can be more dangerous than the initial threat.

Fear Isn’t the Enemy. It’s a Signal.

In the air, fear has a job: alert the pilot that something’s off. Maybe an engine temperature spikes. Maybe a storm rolls in. The signal says: P

ay attention.

But a good pilot doesn’t panic. They assess. They scan the full panel. They trust their training.

In the mind, it’s similar. Fear pops up to say:

“Something feels dangerous. Something reminds me of pain. Something threatens control.”

Why? Because when we feel out of control internally, we try to over-control externally.

What Fear Looks Like in Relationships

In my clinical work, I rarely see someone say, “I’m afraid I’ll be abandoned, so I’m going to shut down emotionally and push my partner away to test their love.”

But I see that exact pattern every single week.

Fear in relationships doesn’t look like screaming, crying, or saying “I’m scared.”
It looks like:

Silent treatment

• Jealousy and control
• Needing constant reassurance
• Avoiding vulnerability
• Rage that masks helplessness
• Hyper-independence (aka “I don’t need anyone” energy)
• In aviation, these would be considered overcorrections — and overcorrections are one of the top causes of crashes.

In relationships, they’re one of the top causes of disconnection.

Why Fear Feeds the Need to Control

Fear is your nervous system’s oldest tool for survival.
When the brain senses threat — emotional or physical — it does not ask, “Is this rational?” It asks, “How do I survive this fastest?”

Cue the Four F’s:

Fight

• Flight
• Freeze
• Fawn
• Now add this layer: if you carry a Primal Wound like “I am powerless,” “I am insignificant,” or “I am inadequate,” your body is constantly scanning for evidence of that wound being triggered again.

So when your partner doesn’t text back…
Or your boss critiques your work…
Or your friend forgets your birthday…

You don’t just feel annoyed. You feel threatened.
And the fastest way to feel “safe” again? Control.

You overanalyze their tone

• You send five follow-ups
• You withdraw emotionally to “stay in power”
• You micromanage your schedule, your diet, your business — because if you control the outside, maybe the inside will quiet down
• But it doesn’t work for long. Because fear doesn’t respond to control.
  It responds to safety.

The Pilot Mentality: Trust Your Instruments

In pilot training, we’re taught not to trust our feelings during a storm. Spatial disorientation can make you think you’re flying level when you’re actually in a dive.

Instead, you’re taught to trust your instruments.

Even if your stomach is screaming that you’re upside down, you keep your eyes on the gauges.

What are your instruments in life?

Your values

• Your clarity
• Your tools for nervous system regulation
• Your boundaries
• Your ability to pause instead of react
• When you panic, the goal isn’t to fly harder. It’s to fly smarter.

You don’t need more control. You need a better system for responding to fear.

From the therapy side, here’s what I’ve seen over and over:

People who grew up in chaos often become control freaks.

• People who felt powerless as children often become rigid as adults.
• People who were emotionally neglected often hyper-fixate on rules, plans, or people-pleasing.
• Why? Because control becomes a survival strategy.
  It creates the illusion of safety when the body doesn’t feel any.

But this illusion becomes a trap — especially in relationships.
You might:

Try to predict every outcome so you don’t feel blindsided

• Fix people so they don’t leave you
• Keep yourself busy 24/7 to avoid stillness (and the anxiety that comes with it)
• Control gives temporary relief. But it blocks real connection.

The Shift: From Controlling to Regulating

Here’s the secret: you don’t need to control everything when you know how to regulate yourself.

When you feel safe inside your own body, you don’t need the outside world to behave a certain way.

So instead of tightening your grip, try:

🌀 Breathwork

Even 4-4-8 breathing (inhale 4, hold 4, exhale 8) can signal safety to your nervous system. Longer exhales activate the parasympathetic (calming) response.

🧠 Naming the Wound

Say it out loud. “This is my ‘I am powerless’ wound getting activated.” That self-awareness interrupts the emotional spiral.

✍🏼 Track Your Fear Patterns

What makes you go into control mode? What’s the trigger, and what’s the wound it hits?

🔄 Reframe the Meaning

Instead of “They didn’t call, I must not matter,” try: “I’m feeling insignificant — but that’s a story I don’t have to follow.”

Real-Life Example: The Preflight Check

Before every flight, pilots do a preflight inspection. They don’t wait for the engine to fail midair. They check the gauges, test the brakes, look for leaks.

We can do this emotionally, too:

Ask: What am I feeling in my body today?

• Check: Is this fear disguised as anger? Is this urgency based on truth or trauma?
• Breathe: Can I slow down long enough to respond, not react?
• You don’t have to wait until a full-blown argument or shutdown to regulate yourself.

You can preflight your nervous system before you ever leave the ground.

Pilots who overcontrol the aircraft tend to stall.
People who overcontrol their lives tend to burn out, disconnect, and push others away.

If you’ve been gripping the yoke of your life with white knuckles, this is your invitation to loosen the grip.

To stop flying in fear.
To stop reacting from wounds.
To stop overcorrecting from pain.

And to start navigating with trust, with tools, and with the inner safety that tells your nervous system:

“I’ve got this. I’m okay. I don’t have to control everything to be safe.”

📘 Grab the book: 7 Primal

Wounds: Break the Patterns Keeping You Stuck
🧭 Take the Free Quiz: What’s Your Primal Wound?
🎧 Join the SkyTalkDoc Podcast for episodes that unpack fear, control, relationships, and how to reset your brain’s autopilot.

The sky isn’t the limit — your nervous system is.
But with the right calibration?
You can soar.