Early Trauma Leaves Invisible Marks

When most people think about trauma, they imagine catastrophic events — abuse, neglect, or major loss. But the truth is, trauma often comes in quieter, more subtle forms. A parent who was emotionally unavailable, a caregiver who praised achievement but withheld affection, or a childhood marked by feeling “less than” compared to siblings — all of these leave imprints.

I call these imprints Primal Wounds: they are “hot stove” moments that form deep, core beliefs about the self that originate in early experiences. They are not always visible scars, but they act as internal scripts that shape how we see ourselves and how we connect with others.

The seven Primal Wounds I identify are:

1. I am insignificant
2. I am inadequate
3. I am incapable
4. I am an outsider
5. I am damaged
6. I am undeserving
7. I am powerless

Each one operates like a pair of glasses we wear, tinting every interaction we have.

The Neuroscience of Wounds

From a neurological perspective, the brain encodes early painful experiences as a way of keeping us safe. When a child repeatedly hears “You’re too sensitive” or feels overlooked, the brain wires itself to expect rejection or dismissal. Over time, these wounds become default settings — automatic responses stored in the limbic system and reinforced by stress hormones like cortisol.

This means that as adults, our nervous system may react to a partner’s late text message as though it were a genuine abandonment. The reaction feels out of proportion because it’s not just about the present moment — it’s the echo of every earlier wound being reactivated.

How Wounds Show Up in Relationships

Primal Wounds have a way of weaving themselves into our most intimate bonds:

The wound of insignificance may cause someone to overcompensate — working tirelessly to be noticed, yet feeling unseen even when their partner is attentive.

• The wound of inadequacy can show up as perfectionism, criticism, or defensiveness — an endless attempt to prove worth.
• The wound of being undeserving often leads to tolerating toxic dynamics or struggling to accept genuine kindness.
• The wound of being an outsider can cause withdrawal, a sense of never truly belonging — even in marriage or family.
• In couples therapy, I often see partners arguing about surface issues — chores, money, schedules — while the real battle is happening underneath. What they’re really saying is: “I don’t feel safe, worthy, or enough in this relationship.”

Why We Repeat the Past

One of the most painful truths is that we tend to recreate the environments we once knew. Psychologists call this repetition compulsion. If your wound told you, “I am powerless,” you may unconsciously choose relationships where your voice is dismissed. If you grew up with the wound of “I am inadequate,” you may gravitate toward partners who are critical or withholding.

It’s the brain’s attempt to “redo” the original story in hopes of finally getting it right. But without awareness, the cycle only reinforces the wound.

Healing the Hidden Scripts

The good news is that Primal Wounds don’t have to dictate our future. Healing starts with awareness:

Naming the wound: “I am reacting from my belief that I am insignificant.”

• Observing triggers: noticing the moments when old stories hijack present reality.
• Practicing self-regulation: grounding the nervous system so you can respond rather than react.
• In therapy and coaching, I guide clients through what I call the PRIMAL Reset System — a process of identifying wounds, reframing old beliefs, and practicing new relational strategies. Partners can learn to create “safe zones” in their relationships, where vulnerability is met with empathy rather than judgment.

Having a new experience doesn’t mean the wound disappears; it means it no longer controls you. You move from reacting to life through old scripts to writing new ones with intention.

A New Story for Love and Connection

Relationships flourish not because two perfect people come together, but because two imperfect people learn to navigate old scripts together. When we recognize that our partner’s defensiveness may stem from an old wound of inadequacy, compassion grows. When we learn to share our own vulnerabilities without shame, intimacy deepens.

At its heart, healing Primal Wounds is about reclaiming our capacity for connection. It’s about learning that we are not our wounds — we are resilient, evolving beings capable of rewriting the story of our lives.