Michaela's Site

What Are the 7 Primal Wounds?

Wed, 06 Aug 2025 15:17:52 -0700

Let’s get real: if you’ve ever walked out of a situation thinking, “Why did I react like that?” or “Why does this always happen to me?” — you’re not broken. You’re likely battling something I call a Primal Wound.

These wounds are invisible, often buried, but they drive everything — your relationships, your emotional triggers, your inner critic, and even the dreams you’re too scared to chase.

So what exactly are they? Let’s unpack it.

A Primal Wound is an emotionally charged belief you absorbed early in life — typically before age 5 — about who you are and what you’re worth.

They don’t come from one big traumatic event (though that can play a role). Most wounds are created from small, repeated moments where something didn’t happen: you didn’t feel heard, seen, comforted, or accepted.

When your nervous system can’t make sense of pain, it personalizes it.
You didn’t think: “My parent is emotionally unavailable.”
You thought: “I must not be lovable.”

That belief became part of your operating system. Now you react to present-day life through that old lens — even if it’s outdated and completely false.

The 7 Primal Wounds

These aren’t personality flaws. They’re emotional templates — patterns you absorbed when you were too young to question whether they were true.

Here they are:

I Am Insignificant

You feel unseen. Like your presence doesn’t really matter and your voice is background noise.
You might:

Stay quiet to avoid “bothering” people

But, What?

Mon, 15 Jun 2026 16:02:53 -0700

BUT, WHAT?

A concept I talk about often with clients is learning to live life in the AND, not the BUT.

Most of us are taught to think in "buts."

"I love my spouse, BUT..."

"I appreciate my job, BUT..."

"I'm grateful for my life, BUT..."

"I've made progress, BUT..."

The problem with the word but is that it often erases whatever came before it.

It's as if our brains can only hold one truth at a time.

But life rarely works that way.

The healthiest people I've met have learned to replace the BUT with an AND.

"I love my spouse, AND sometimes they drive me crazy."

"I'm grateful for my job, AND I'm ready for a new challenge."

"I miss someone deeply, AND I'm moving forward."

"I'm disappointed by how something turned out, AND I can still find meaning in it."

"I'm healing, AND I still have hard days."

The AND creates...Read More

The Four Seasons Effect

Thu, 11 Jun 2026 10:17:23 -0700

THE FOUR SEASONS EFFECT

So I learned about something and started putting it into practice in my own life, and in my therapy work…I call it the FOUR SEASONS EFFECT.

Managers and staff were given discretion—and a modest budget—to solve customer problems and create memorable experiences without having to navigate layers of approvals.

At first glance, it sounds like a customer service strategy.

But I think it's actually a lesson about relationships.

One of the most famous examples involved a young girl who left her beloved stuffed giraffe behind after a family vacation. Her parents told her the giraffe had decided to extend its vacation at the hotel.

When the staff learned what had happened, they didn't simply mail the toy back.

They took photographs of the giraffe "enjoying" an extended stay at the resort—lounging by the pool, visiting the spa, working behind the front desk, and helping around the property. They created an entire vacation story around the stuffed animal before sending it home.

The cost to the hotel was almost nothing.

The impact on that family was...Read More

The Mass Narcissism Era

Tue, 09 Jun 2026 08:29:38 -0700

THE MASS NARCISSISM ERA

Over the last several years, I've noticed a pattern emerging in both my therapy office and the courtroom.

Different settings. Different people. Different stories.

But the same underlying dynamic.

It seems nearly everyone has either been in a relationship with a narcissist, is currently in a relationship with a narcissist, works for a narcissist, was raised by a narcissist, or is recovering from one.

The word gets thrown around so often that I'm repulsed by it, and I don't feel it accurately depicts what the person on the receiving end of a "narcissist" goes through. It's hard to explain being trauma bonded to someone who is repeatedly and intentionally hurting you. It's hard to explain still having empathy for someone who is out to destroy you. It's conflicting, confusing and lonely. So lonely. It doesn't matter how many support people you have, removing yourself from talons of a narcissist leaves you feeling completely alone.

As a therapist, I rarely find labels to be the most useful place to start. Human beings are far more complex than diagnostic categories.

That said, I do think we're witnessing something interesting.

It seems that generations before us—through no fault of their own, but often through unresolved trauma, emotional neglect, survival-based parenting, and dysfunctional family systems—may have helped create what I think of as a Mass Narcissism Era.

Not necessarily an epidemic of diagnosable Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

But certainly an epidemic of narcissistic traits.

The DSM describes Narcissistic Personality Disorder as involving patterns such as:

•...Read More

The Cost of Silence in Aviation

Wed, 03 Jun 2026 12:25:39 -0700

THE COST OF SILENCE IN AVIATION

When I wrote 7 Primal Wounds, I believed I knew exactly who the audience would be.

I wrote it for the couples I had spent years working with as a therapist—people stuck in the same painful cycles, having the same arguments, struggling with jealousy, disconnection, resentment, and a loss of intimacy. It was intended to help people understand the deeper wounds driving their behaviors so they could finally break free from patterns that were keeping them stuck.

What I did not anticipate was what happened next.

The audience that embraced the message most enthusiastically was not couples.

It was pilots.

Maybe it was the fact that I flew advanced reader copies of this book to small airports across the nation...but this book has landed in a special place...with aviators. And as I listened to the stories being shared, I began to understand why.

Many pilots live with a unique burden. They carry grief, loss, depression, anxiety, trauma, relationship struggles, and life stressors just like everyone else. The difference is that for many, seeking help can feel like risking everything they have worked their entire lives to build.

For years, countless aviators have felt forced into silence. Not because they lack courage, but because they fear the consequences of being honest. The...Read More

The Child Responder: When Your Inner 6-Year-Old Throws a Tantrum (But You’re in a Grown-Up Body)

Wed, 03 Jun 2026 11:41:04 -0700

You ever get triggered and suddenly feel like the floor just dropped out from under you — like you’re tiny, alone, and one minor inconvenience away from sobbing in the Trader Joe’s parking lot?
Hi. That’s your Child Responder. She’s sensitive. She’s dramatic. And she’s 100% convinced the world is about to end.

And to be honest? She kind of runs the show more often than any of us would like to admit.

Where She Came From: Early Edition Survival Mode - The Child Responder was born when you were, well…a child.
Something didn’t feel safe. Maybe no one noticed your feelings. Maybe love felt conditional. Maybe things were chaotic, inconsistent, or cold.
And so — little you adapted.

She learned:

“If I cry, maybe someone will care.”

“If I hide, I won’t get hurt.”
“If I cling, maybe they won’t leave.”
Now, you’re 35 and wondering why you’re spiraling after someone says “I need some space.”
That’s not your adult self — that’s your six-year-old screaming, “DON’T LEAVE ME!” in invisible crayon.

How the Child Responder Shows Up Today

😭 Emotional Flooding

You feel everything — all at once — and it’s too much. One text, tone, or eyebrow can unleash a tidal wave.

You may think, “This is ridiculous. I’m being dramatic.”
Spoiler: You’re not. You’re activated.

🫥 Shutting Down or Hiding

The Child Responder goes mute. Or curls into bed. Or quietly panics but tells everyone, “I’m just tired.”

Sometimes the most deafening screams are silent. Especially from the child who learned not to make noise.

🧷 Clinging for Dear Life

Ever had an emotional moment where you knew you were texting too much… but couldn’t stop? That’s the Child trying to tether herself to safety.

She’ll over-apologize, over-explain, and over-function if it means keeping someone close.

🧃

Craving...Read More

The Parent Responder: When “Helpful” Becomes “Helicopter”

Wed, 29 Apr 2026 13:48:34 -0700

You ever feel like if you don’t do it, it won’t get done right… or at all… or the world might just implode?
Yeah. That’s not you being super responsible. That’s your Parent Responder taking the wheel and flooring it straight into Burnoutville.

Let’s talk about this sneaky little overachiever who lives inside you and thinks holding everything together is the highest form of love.

The Origin Story: Little Kid, Big Pressure

Be the peacemaker.

Read the room before speaking.
Help out to earn love or avoid punishment.
Keep it together so no one else would fall apart.
So now, as an adult? You're running around solving everyone’s problems while quietly wondering why no one ever checks in on you.

What the Parent Responder Looks Like in Action

Let’s be real. The Parent Responder can be ve

ry convincing. She wears a cape. She brings snacks. She sounds like a mature adult. But she’s actually:

Exhausted

Anxious
And low-key furious no one is helping
Here’s how she shows up:

🧯 Fix-It Mode

You don’t even let people sit with discomfort. You rush in like an emotional paramedic with solutions, Google Docs, and a “here’s what you should say” script.

Example: Someone says “I feel sad,” and you immediately suggest three self-care ideas and offer to buy them a weighted blanket.

🎭 Performing ‘Fine’ When You’re Falling Apart

You wear “I got this” like it’s a badge of honor — even though your inner Child is eating cold pasta over the sink and sobbing silently.

Example: “No worries! Happy to help!” = internal screaming.

🧹 Over-Functioning for People Who Could Do It Themselves

You anticipate other people’s needs, emotions, and meltdowns like you’re a human emotional concierge. Meanwhile, your own needs are sitting in the back with a...Read More

The certain uncertain

Tue, 21 Apr 2026 11:54:48 -0700

I’ve been sitting with something lately that feels both heavy and strangely clarifying.

There’s this idea I come back to often—“earth school.” That we’re here not just to live, but to learn. To be shaped. To be confronted. To be asked, again and again, who we are when things don’t go the way we believe they should.

And if I’m being honest, it’s been hard to settle into that lately.

There are moments where it genuinely feels like the wrong things are winning. Like noise is louder than truth. Like the scale tips in favor of what is easier, not what is right. And in those moments, “earth school” doesn’t feel like a place of growth—it feels like a test I didn’t sign up for.

But maybe that’s exactly the point.

I talked about this more deeply on the podcast this week with Pilot JB. We explored this tension between what we say we want—and what we actually choose.

Because the truth is… I’m not sure humans really want freedom the way we claim we do.

Real freedom is uncertain. It’s exposed. It requires responsibility, awareness, and the willingness to stand alone sometimes. And that’s uncomfortable.

So instead, we reach for something else.

We trade the unknown sky for a well-built cage.
Not because we don’t see it—
but because it feels safer when the walls are familiar.

There’s a strange comfort in limitation.
A quiet agreement we make without saying it out loud:
“Keep me contained, just make it feel secure.”

And maybe that’s part of the lesson here.

To notice where we’ve accepted the cage.
To question whether comfort is costing us something deeper.
To ask ourselves—gently, honestly—
what kind of life we’re actually choosing.

I don’t have clean answers right now.

Just the awareness that this season is asking something of me.
And maybe of all of us.

Something about truth.
Something about courage.
Something about whether we’re willing to step beyond what...Read More

Boundaries Aren't What You Think

Tue, 21 Apr 2026 11:37:10 -0700

Boundaries Don’t Restrict Connection — They Prevent Collisions

I held a drop in class a few weeks ago and we talked about one of the biggest topics I see in therapy. Boundaries.

We see boundaries and boundary violations every single day.

We see what they look like when they’re executed in a safe, steady way—and what happens when they’re handled recklessly. We see it in conversations, relationships, workplaces, families… and on the road.

Think about lane lines on a highway.

Lane lines don’t stop you from driving. They don’t restrict movement or limit freedom. They don’t tell you where you can’t go. What they do is prevent crashes.

When someone drifts into your lane, you don’t apologize for existing. You don’t explain why you’re in your lane. You don’t justify your right to be there. You correct—or you hold steady—because that’s how accidents are avoided.

Boundaries work the same way.

Boundaries aren’t punishments. They’re not ultimatums. They’re not about controlling other people. Boundaries are information and direction. They communicate where you end and someone else begins so that connection can happen safely.

The problem isn’t that most...Read More

The Support Aviation Professionals Avoid

Fri, 03 Apr 2026 09:01:34 -0700

Introducing Aviation-Informed Coaching

Many aviation professionals avoid seeking support because the stakes feel too high. There’s a real fear that opening up about stress, burnout, or personal struggles could be misunderstood—or worse, impact their medical certification and ability to fly. In a culture that values precision, control, and composure, admitting you’re struggling can feel like a liability instead of a strength. So people stay quiet.

Which is why I’m excited to officially introduce a new offering: Aviation-Informed Coaching—a space designed specifically for aviation professionals who want to perform at a higher level without compromising their career.

If you’re in aviation, you already know the unspoken reality:
A lot of people don’t seek support—not because they don’t need it—but because they’re concerned about what it could mean for their medical certification or ability to fly.

So instead, they push through.
They compartmentalize.
They carry stress, pressure, and life challenges quietly.

But here’s the truth: what you’re navigating outside the cockpit doesn’t stay there.

It shows up in how you communicate.
It shows up in how you make decisions under pressure.
...Read More