May 20

Written by: michaela renee
5/20/2009 6:28 AM

Therapy Sessions of an Online Dating Addict: Failed The Myers Briggs

Me: I found the perfect match.com profile.

Therapist: Perfect is a strong word.

Me: No, it was absolutely perfect. He’s educated, works as a firefighter, fairly witty, photos looks excellent, owns his house so he understands commitment, my age…
So I reached out to him, sent him a wink, he winked back.

Therapist: A wink is a good thing right?

Me: Yea, in match.com land it means “I’m interested.”

Therapist: Got it.

Me: So after he winked back, he mentioned that we share a love of golf, and that we should meet up at the driving range…

Therapist: Wow, I like this one already!

Me: Then he adds, but before that I would like you to fill out this questionnaire.

Therapist: What? Isn’t that what the match.com profile is for?

Me: So I begin to read…and suddenly I feel like I’m about to take the SAT‘s to get into Duke University of Online Dating.

Therapist: Tell me you didn’t fill it out.

Me: I’ll tell you, I couldn’t resist. It took everything I had not to send him a lil nasty gram back, but as I started delving into the questions, the creative side of me just couldn’t resist, and I decided to have some fun.

Therapist: Did you bring it?

Me: Yep, I printed out a copy for your reading pleasure.

Therapist: (quickly glancing over the document) I wonder how many women have actually filled this out?

Me: Not sure, but I think he’ll reconsider sending it. Apparently the humor was missed on him because I never got a first date.

Therapist: After filling out this questionnaire I would hope the first date would be a trip to the altar in Vegas.


THE QUESTIONNAIRE (questions copyright some guy with too much time on his hands and my original responses):

.Ok. . . Alright I am sending you a Q/A I made up around a month ago when I first considered the online dating thing. I figured these questions could kind of weed out people if I were to go and follow through with meeting people online. So this is originally a word document.

Q. Are you spontaneous or do you plan things?
A. I’m a planner and I like a strict schedule. Take sex for example, I offer 3 choices for sex, once per week. Monday between 8am and 9am, Wednesday between noon and 2pm, or Friday after 7pm.

Q. How do you negotiate when someone wants to do something you don’t want to do?
A. I find showing them my extensive gun and knife collection works nicely.

Q. Describe your personality?
A. People say I‘m a lot like Charles Manson.

Q. Do you tell white lies to avoid hurting peoples feelings?
A. Why does it have to be a white lie? Why not a black lie? Are you racist?

Q. How do you handle conflict? Do you try to avoid conflict? How do you make up after a fight?
A. I find a shank or shiv works best in most cases, avoidance solves nothing.

Q. Do you take emotional or physical risks? Examples?
A. Every once in awhile I like to go downtown, where the streets are one way and drive the wrong way on that street. I feel driving into oncoming traffic stimulates my endocrine system

Changing up some questions. . .
Q. How do you handle when people come to your door to witness to you or sell you things?
A. I usually ask them if they can help me load the body into the trunk.

Q. Out of the ten commandments is there any that you would add?
A. Are the commandments that thing that the one guy chiseled into that chunk of stone? Man, that must‘ve been a pain in the ass, to sit there banging rocks together. Poor guy, probably one would have sufficed.

Q. What do you feel is the most important commandment?
A. Thou shalt drink wine on Sundays. That was one right? Didn‘t they toast to good health or something?

Q. Are you on time?
A. So long as we‘re on my clock, which is perpetually late, then yes.

Q. Do you call when you say you will?
A. I promise you will always be the first person I call should I find myself in jail and in need of a bailout.

Q. Your favorite flower?
A. Cactus. I like that it’s sharp and pointy and people can't get close to it without getting painfully pricked.

Q. What is your response when someone wrongs you?
A. First response is to call Sevi, my good Italian friend from NY who plays poker on Saturday nights, drives an all black sedan and seems to know a lot of ‘people.’

Q. Who ended most of your relationships?
A. The handful who left me got a ‘first response‘ visit from Sevi. Rumor has it they are no longer able to have sex during one of the weekly allotted time slots due to removal of key male organ.

Q. If you were to write a book about your life what would the Title be?
A. There’s actually a few books that have been written on my life, I forget the titles now, but something to the effect of  “A girl in Guantanamo Bay.”

Q. Looking forward to your memorial service (kind of dark) what do you want people to say?
A. “For justice we must go Don Corleone.”

Q. What size house do you want to have?
A. The shack in the wilderness where I build my bombs is plenty big enough.

Q. How often do you finish projects you start?
A. If I can’t finish it, Sevi can.

Q. What gifts would you bring to parenting?
A. Vodka, a bat and some condoms.

Q. How hard do you work to have fun?
A. Depends on how much of a fight they put up.

Q. If there was a fire what would you save? Why?
A. If there is a fire, mark my words I’m running, this would be a good example of conflict avoidance.

Q. If you could have a free car tomorrow what would it be?
A. I hear those cars they have down in TJ aren’t traceable because the license plates are stolen, I think that would come in handy now and again.

Q. What values do you cherish?
A. I think it’s best if we don’t set any moral values, then we never let ourselves down.

Alright enough questions for now. I have heard good things and bad things about online dating. I don’t have any problems meeting women just lacking the meeting of a quality woman. Well I am looking forward to hearing your answers. I also look forward to hearing some questions from you.

Best regards.

Copyright ©2009 Michaela Renee

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