Written by: michaela renee
5/14/2009 10:42 AM

Me: He was super cute…and with a girl.

Therapist: So you didn’t meet this one online?

Me: Nope, it was after the Padres game, a big group of us went to celebrate the win at the top of Altitude in downtown, since winning is so rare.

Therapist: (chuckling) How did you approach?

Me: I surveyed the situation throughout the evening, he was super tall, very handsome, blonde hair, green eyes, pretty well built. My guess was military because his hair had that look to it.

Therapist: Stereotyping, be careful.

Me: So just as my group of friends is about to leave I just walked right up to him and said, “Is this your girlfriend?”

Therapist: Smooth move.

Me: He said “Hi, what? No.” And so I dove right in with, “Are you on Facebook?”

Therapist: So let me get this straight, you took a perfectly normal in person interaction and sent it online.

Me: Well, ya, sorta.

Therapist: We really need to talk about your mad desire to stalk and scope every aspect of a person’s life before agreeing to a first date, a telephone number would have worked in this instance.

Me: Balogney! Why would I subject myself to that? So, I asked him for his first and last name, and he obliged, ending with “my profile pic is of me in a wig…look forward to hearing from you.” As I ran to catch the elevator with my friends.

Therapist: A wig? I’d say you lucked out, the approach was miserable, the leap was mediocre and the landing was straight unacceptable, if it hadn’t been for his wig comment…

Me: No kidding, I mean, it’s not Halloween for heaven’s sake. But needless to say, I found him online, slightly creeped by the wig and abundance of the professional club pics the promoters take at the bars downtown. I agreed to a group first date…at a karaoke bar in town.

Therapist: That’s fun and seems up his alley.

Me: He walks in and my friends are like “wow good looking dude.” So he comes over, says hi to everyone, asks me what I’d like to drink, scampers off to the bar and picks it up and comes back over. He’s looking mighty fine, I might add. By the time I finish the vodka drink I was ready to get cuddly.

So I lean back onto him since the bar stool didn’t offer any back support.

Therapist: Whoa there Killer, slow down.

Me: Then all of a sudden I feel some movement coming from his chest…almost gyration-esq.

Therapist: What?

Me: Ya! And he goes, “Sorry, my pecs are so large they won’t stop twitching.”

Therapist: (Hysterically laughing) He said WHAT?

Me: I made a joke of it and told him mine were pretty large too, and then showed him my biceps. He squeezed them and said they were cute little lady guns.

Therapist: Military confirmed.

Me: Yep. So I’m not ready to write him off, but we’re definitely not going to do a solo date until after a few more group dates.

Therapist: Good call.

Me: So I started inviting him out on group dates, mostly Friday night Happy Hour’s with my friends. He seemed sweet, and I was definitely attracted to him. But every once in awhile he’d pop off and say something kinda dumb…like “turn down the hate.”

Therapist: Why were you hating?

Me: He was sitting with his elbows out on the table shoving into me as if he were eating at the Mess Hall. I asked him for a bite of his rib-eye and he goes “get your own.“ So I said, “I would but then it’d make me fat like you.“

Therapist: Ouch, gloves up!

Me: We mostly got along, but I was starting to feel like he was my little brother because every time he’d come out we’d end up fighting over something dumb and he’d end up closing the evening with, “I really wish you’d stop drinking the Haterade.” So I really felt like we were never going to progress beyond friends.

Therapist: I know how you are, so I’m not sure he’s in the wrong, it’s a partially endearing way to tell you to tone it down. I think you might be the most critical person to date, ever.

Me: Sure, whatever, if he wasn’t starting the fight all the time, I wouldn’t have to be over there turning down the hate in the oven.

Therapist: (laughing)

Me: So, one night, we’re out at a concert, big group of my friends, and one of them brought up something about some guy I’d dated and gotten to 3rd base with months before.

En route home that night he pulls me close in the backseat of my girlfriends car and says “Babe, if you already hit 3rd base with that guy, after like 2 dates, how come we haven’t had sex yet after all these dates?”

Therapist: He did not actually say that.

Me: Oh yes he did. So I spent the evening thinking about it…and realized that all this time he was counting the group dates as real dates. Instead of realizing we were totally not right as a couple, he was thinking our relationship was progressing!

Therapist: Uh-oh.

Me: So I decided I would handle the situation immediately. I called him up and invited him to meet me for coffee, in between his house Downtown and mine in North County.

Therapist: Half-way?

Me: Ya. So he agrees to meet up. I had my roommates dog in the car, and ran into the pet store to buy dog food while I waited for him. He found me in the parking lot holding a 40 pound bag of dog food and I got super nervous. I told him that I got the feeling he thought we were more than friends and he interjected with, “Are you breaking up with me?”

Therapist: Oh no.

Me: Ya! So I go, “You know, it’s really hard to break up with someone you weren’t dating.”

And he says, “Well what were all these dates then?”

I told him point blank, “Group dates with my friends don’t count.”

He gave me a blank stare and said, “Can we go get coffee now?”

I told him, “I have no time for coffee, I have to get this dog back to my roommate.”

And he says, “You invited me to coffee, but you can’t have coffee?”

I go, “Right.”

And he leaves me standing there holding a 40 pound bag of dog food and says loud enough for everyone at the coffee shop to hear as he‘s walking away, “This is a really sad day in JohnTown Babe! A REALLY SAD DAY IN JOHNTOWN!”

Copyright ©2009 Michaela Renee

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