Apr 29

Written by: michaela renee
4/29/2009 9:08 AM

Me: I think I’ve been going on too many dates.

Therapist: Right, addiction is a tough thing to break, that’s why we spend this hour each week talking…What makes you come to this realization?

Me: Well, I said from the beginning this was a numbers game.

Therapist: To a certain extent, yes…we know though that you take this whole plethora of available candidates to the extreme.

Me: Well, last week the girls and I went to Taco Tuesday Girl’s Night Out at our usual bar.

Therapist: Ahh yes, Girl’s Night…don’t you usually invite a potential match.com date?

Me: Yes, I usually invite someone to stop in and meet the girls if I feel he’s got good potential.

Therapist: Ok, so tell me about Taco Tuesday.

Me: So I’d gone to lunch with this guy Patrick and I thought he was a potential for round two, the ‘girlfriend test.‘ I’d emailed him the morning of Taco Tuesday with the invitation and he said he planned on stopping by after he dropped his buddy off at the airport.

Therapist: Excellent, not afraid to meet your girlfriends, first date must have went very well.

Me: So about 2pm I send him a text telling him the location and reminding him that we’ll get there around 6pm.

Therapist: Perfect, casual, well done.

Me: So it’s about 6:30 and the girls and I are just slurping down the last of our first $3.00 margarita when I feel this tap on my shoulder. I spin around and it’s a guy that I’d met on match.com a few months ago…

So I say, “Hey there! Imagine seeing you here?! How long has it been?”

And he says, “It’s been awhile, probably 5 months or so, great to see you!”

I glance past his shoulder and ask, “So, do you have some friends meeting you?”

And he says, “Well, I invited someone but they couldn’t come.”

He mentions something about being really tight with the bartender and then offers to buy my girlfriends another round of margaritas. They declined so he scampered off to the bar. I immediately whisper to the girls, “Ex-Match Date.”

They nod in complete understanding and realize they will be running blocker for when Patrick arrives.

Therapist: Great friends.

Me: Totally. So, the guy from a few months ago is just kind of lingering. I’m surprised he didn’t go home when his friend didn’t show up, but it’s a casual bar and apparently he and the bartender were tight, because he did end up bringing us a round of drinks and they were STRONG.

Regardless, he was clingy and totally wasn‘t getting the hint…so I finally got a little snappy and told him, “You know…we’re here for GIRL’S night, it‘s really the ONLY time we have to catch up.”

And he says, “Ya, I think that’s really great that you do this once a week.”

Therapist: Oh that’s hilarious.

Me: DER! What’s his problem?! Finally one of my girlfriend’s leans over and says, “Is this guy Patrick going to show up or what, I have to go to the bathroom.”

So I pull out my phone and text him…it went like this:

Me: >>You close?>>
Patrick: >> REAL close>>
Me: >>My girlfriend‘s are about ready to leave…we might need to go somewhere else>>
Patrick: >>Ready when you are >>

About this time both my girlfriend’s jump up and head to the bathroom. I immediately leap past Clingy and follow them while adding in a loud whispery voice, “How DARE you leave me with that guy, I just got a text from Patrick, I think he’s almost here. JEEZ!”

Therapist: When you gotta go, you gotta go…but they could have taken turns…

Me: I KNOW! So we’re all in the bathroom peeing…when I got a text from Patrick…

>>You about done in there?>>

I’m thinking PHEW, he’s here, we’ll sneak out the back and head down the street to the other bar, escaping Clingy all together. That’s about the time I got a text from a guy saved in my phone as Paul…

>>Hey, just dropped my buddy off at the airport, don’t think I’m going to make it to Taco Tuesday>>

Therapist: Whoa! Wait, back up…

Me: Ya…so I start having a small panic attack when I realize what I’d done…I’d texted PATRICK instead of PAUL and…

Therapist: HOLD ON - so Clingy showed up without any friends and wouldn’t leave you alone…

Me: Because I had totally accidentally invited him via text.

Therapist: You INVITED BOTH guys.

Me: Um, ya….Paul via email, and then I thought I texted him, but I forgot his name was Paul, not Patrick, and invited Patrick instead of Paul via text.

Therapist: So Clingy, whose name is actually Patrick shows up and you act totally surprised and then tell him it’s GIRLS night?

Me: Right, I was like “oooohhh imagine seeing you here” and “don’t you have any friends” and “it’s totally GIRLS night”

Therapist: Oh no…this is really bad…

Me: No SHIT. So I’m hiding in the bathroom freaking out.

Therapist: WAIT, but you had been texting…who? Before you went to the bathroom?

Me: I was texting Clingy Patrick while he was SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO ME.

Therapist: (hysterically laughing) Either this guy is completely dense, or …

Me: I think he thought I was trying to ditch my girlfriends to go home with him. Like… “you close?” bow-chicka-bow-bow “reaaaaalllll close…” insert porn swagger.

Therapist: OH NO. What did you do?

Me: So all three of us are crammed in the bathroom as girls are going in and out and one of my girlfriends was so out of control she kept waving her hands and which kept making the automatic paper towel dispenser go off… so there’s like this big wad of toilet paper on the floor. Which was making a little bed for my other girlfriend who was literally on the floor crying she was laughing so hard.

At that point we kicked into Charlie’s Angels mode and one girlfriend started making really loud throwing up noises.

I texted him:
Me: >>Girlfriend isn’t feeling well>>
Clingy Patrick: >>Honestly the whole night has been kinda odd>>
Me: >>Ya, you’re telling me. Thanks SO much for joining us>>

Then we walked out, with me holding her hair back as if she’d been puking. Went straight to the car and then I texted Paul-Patrick and invited him Taco Thursday.

Copyright ©2009 Michaela Renee

Tags: