Me: So, here I am floating on a daisy shaped raft in the pool of a friend’s house, chatting with her in that way two people chat when they are both randomly drifting across the water, soaking up the sun, enjoying life and the weather. So naturally, in this relaxed state of self indulgence the topic of my online dating experiences came up. I mentioned to her as I dipped one toe off the edge of the raft into the chilly water and dribbled the sprinkles across my sun stained legs that it is nearly impossible on a first date to really get to know someone without coming across as prying, or being overly anxious to get to the point. The point being, are you and I really going to make beyond the first ‘online’ date? This means I’ve met up with you at an incredibly public place, where the price point of anything on the menu falls low enough that if it’s a total flop, I can write the whole experience off and be out less than five bucks.
The reality is, I’m online dating because first and foremost, I suck at meeting people of any remote quality in general, and ultimately, I figure the odds are in my favor that if I go on enough dates, I’m bound to find a match, at least that’s what the marketing campaign for match.com promotes.
Therapist: Yes, online dating is a relatively new concept to the therapy world; it’s adding a new dimension of social studies that has yet to be fully researched. So what advice did your friend offer with regards to your dilemma?
Me: Actually, she told me about this little game that she used to play with her new boyfriend, when they went on road trips, called The Opposites Game. The way she explained it seemed so logical. Not only would it allow for an incredible amount of Q & A, but it also quickly determined the wit, general character and ability of the other person to interact in an ‘off the cuff’ manner.
Therapist: Wow. How does it work?
Me: It’s simple; you state two things which are opposite… “sailboat” or “motorboat” for example, the other person is supposed to answer simply with the first preference that comes to mind.
Therapist: Fantastic game, allows for dialogue expansion from thoughts associated with one word as well.
Me: Right?! That’s exactly what I was thinking. So I decide to try it out on my very next date.
His match.com profile read, “Boyish good looks with the knowledge of Southern gentleman, I know how to treat a lady, and a lady is what I’m looking for. I’m an adventurous thrill seeker who loves the outdoors and is open to any challenge. To put it mildly, I’m optimistic. So much so that I have no doubt I will find my perfect match on this site. Are you her? Let me open your door, take your hand, and we’ll find out.
Therapist: So he’s smooth…
Me: I’m figuring with this adventure streak and utilization of the term ‘challenge’ he’d be up for the game…
Therapist: Good assessment.
Me: So, Mr. Opposite chooses to meet up for Happy Hour, on a Thursday night, which seems less than adventuresome. The waitress comes over and drops off two waters and some menus. He quickly interrupts her to find out what the Happy Hour specials are. Just before she showed back up to take our drink order he looks over at me and asks, “Are we planning on splitting this?”
I can’t quite remember a time where the discussion of the bill came up before ordering and I’ve certainly never seen that in any of romance movies involving Southern gentlemen, but hey, this is California, and we met online, so I went with it and told him “of course.”
But, if I can be honest…Strike 1, so much for Southern gentleman.
Therapist: So what happened next?
Me: I jumped right into the Opposites Game, figuring we’d get to the heart of compatibility right away, maybe even sort through it over one drink and skip the whole eating part entirely.
Therapist: Not sure what to make of that, but go on…
Me: So I started spitting them out quickly glancing around for the waitress hoping she got caught up with other tables to give me a little more time…
“Polo or Button Down”…. “Polo, I have a hairy chest.”
Right then I spit alright, my water all over the waitress; I clutched her forearm and desperately requested a cran-vodka. Here's a visual for you, adventurous thrill-seeker hanging from a rock wall spread eagle looking more like a gorilla. Nonetheless, I continued…
“Visor or Baseball cap” …. “Baseball cap, I am balding very badly, like patchy.”
At this point I searched his face for the slightest inclination that he was trying to be funny. Nope. Dead serious. There goes the ‘boyish good looks.’
“Beach walk, or hiking a mountain” …. “Neither, I’m a smoker, and all that exercise stuff really irritates my lungs.”
By now I’m drawing a visual checklist through every item on his profile.
“Coffee shop or wine bar” … “Coffee, I just lost my job last week I’m broke and severely depressed so the wine really doesn’t help that.”
Therapist: (hysterically laughing) Did you give him my card?
Me: Apparently "to put it mildly" his "optimism" is going to help him through that.
So then seeing my look of utter shock upon realizing he was still drinking water and I was slurping the last gulp of cran-vodka, he looks at me and says, “My turn.”
To which I mumble, “Of course!” while swallowing the nectar of the Gods and fishing around in my wallet for a ten dollar bill.
He reaches for my hand, pauses, looks up and stares directly and longingly into my eyes and says, “Goodnight Kiss or Goodnight Hug” …
Therapist: SMOOTH! And…
Me: Without missing a beat I said, “Neither, here’s 10 bucks, keep the change.”
Apparently he should have listed “quick wit” somewhere on his resume because with no hesitation he yelled, “Some LADY you are!”
I yelled back in my best Southern Drawl, “Well then, y’all know that makes two of us who are full of shit.”