I got to laughing the other day with someone about what a Mind-excuse my French-F*&k the game of golf is.
Even when you’re at the driving range it’s as if that little white ball is taunting you. Golf is nearly the only sport (unless we start counting Cricket) where you are not reacting to the ball. But, rather, it’s just sitting there waiting for you to do something to it.
It’s easy for a linebacker to respond, because there’s usually an equally large boy running straight at him with a pigskin in hand, and he pretty much knows what it’s going to feel like to attempt to tackle 300 pounds of muscle every time.
It’s easy for a baseball player to smack the ball straight down the line, because anybody could do that if a hard round object was being thrust at your head at 98mph.
And in basketball, it’s easy to get the ball in the hoop, because the hoop stays in the same spot, at the same height day in and day out, so practicing your aim, even from different distances will return the same result.
But in golf, you have at least 9 different weapons with which to attack the little white ball, you have moving pins (even if you played that same course five times in one week), and if, heaven-forbid, they forget to mow the grass at the course that week, what was a “ball in the rough” has just become an additional stroke, because the rattlesnake signs are usually enough to encourage someone to “just take a drop.”
It’s also the only sport where liars are born and true character is seen. Because, if it doesn’t hit the cup, then it didn’t go home. It’s the only sport where a “gimmie” is accepted among players and friends or in most cases, enemies, by the 11th hole. For certain, no one in a soccer match ever missed the goal post by a few inches and said, “OH COME ON, that’s a total gimmie.” Yeah, because if you’d been better, or aimed your putter right, you would have actually MADE the hole. And so while you should be writing down a bogey on the scorecard, you’re telling all your buddies, that’s definitely par…close-enough anyway.
So here goes, fifteen things the little white ball says to you right before you cracka-lack it straight out in left field (and I really mean the baseball field next to the golf course). “Lookie, I totally would be hitting my birdie shot if we were on THAT hole.”
Sorta reminds me of bad fight between a man and a woman…(did I just say that?)
1. Go ahead, hit me, see what happens.
2. If you think changing your club is going to help, you’re way wrong.
3. How many times have I told you, getting all upset like that doesn’t help either of us.
4. Drinking more beer doesn’t make you better, trust me…
5. If you’d just show me a little love, then maybe we’d actually get along, and maybe I’d actually do what you want for once.
6. HA. Like AIMING that thing is actually going to make a difference?
7. You know, this would be a lot easier if you’d just relax.
8. Mutter under your breath, you think I can’t hear you?
9. Cussing at me isn’t going to make this any easier and it’s certainly NOT going to solve the problem.
10. Whatever you have to tell yourself.
11. Your buddies can’t help you out of this, you’ve got to just man up.
12. YOU FOUND ME? I’ve been purposely hiding over here the whole time.
13. It’s not about “strategy” it’s about you just accepting that you aren't any good.
14. Sure, you’ll be better this time, I’ve heard THAT before.
15. Why don’t you just calmly set the club down and walk away, I’m not going anywhere…I promise
And a 16th one for a treat…
If you could just accept it’s not always ABOUT YOU, and that, OH BY THE WAY, YOU SUCK, then we could just get back to drinking and having a good ole time. But NO, you insist on getting all pissy, and huffing around, and letting your pride get in the way, when really you should be apologizing to ME for having to stick around and put up with this crap for 5 hours a day. Even your FRIENDS see how you treat me. You think they’re joking, they’re not. Sure, they aren’t any better, but at least they are sympathetic. You on the other hand just look to pick a fight and then blame everything on me, OHHH SURE it’s ALL MY FAULT…AGAIN. GO figure.
So I guess, the moral is… if you just accept that the ball is going to respond a lot like a woman would during an argument…
No man would ever play golf, and us girls would have the whole course to ourselves ;)