By michaela renee on 10/12/2010 8:29 PM

I heard this song en route to my wedding engagement photo shoot. I honestly paused to pay attention because I thought based upon the first few seconds of the melody that it might make a great love song for a wedding playlist...

Then it threw me for a loop. I immediately heard the obvious lyric "if I die young" and then I heard "she buries her baby."

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By michaela renee on 8/11/2010 10:04 AM

I saw a picture from an elementary school in 1933, the boys were dressed in overalls, the girls had on long knickers. I’ve been tossing around thoughts of “back in the day” for awhile now. But, the reality of how much the world has changed didn’t hit me until I was in Las Vegas this past weekend. And I didn’t get up the courage to write (for fear of being called a hypocrite) until this morning, when I ordered a croissant sandwich from the café downstairs at work, and got talking about “back in the day" when Ranch dressing, was House dressing and it was always made from scratch, with love.

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By michaela renee on 8/10/2010 10:44 AM

I whisper to myself, let go.

I took a stab at a sonnet,
one that didn’t rhyme so perfect
Because writing can flow without purpose

I read words from the famous Neruda
I began to wonder about depth
I found the fear of the unknown, again

I whisper to myself, let go

I realized nothing is deserved
But it’s not my purpose to stay silent
Perhaps without voice, but with the pen
I feel what is deep in my chest again

I do not want to write,
yet there is so much to feel
I want to touch on every thought, emotion
Vanish them in the same breath

I whisper to myself, let go.

The breath is the Read More »

By michaela renee on 7/27/2010 6:18 AM

I got to laughing the other day with someone about what a mind, excuse my French, f*&k the game of golf is.

Even when you’re at the driving range it’s as if that little white ball is taunting you. Golf is nearly the only sport (unless we start counting Cricket) where you are not reacting to the ball. But, rather, it’s just sitting there waiting for you to do something to it.

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By michaela renee on 7/11/2010 11:05 AM

I once read a quote that said, “Before every flower blossomed, it had to go through a lot of dirt.” But it wasn’t until today that I realized the garden we built is a metaphor for our lives.

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By michaela renee on 7/9/2010 9:07 AM

I Told You So

Keith Urban Read More »

Comments (16)

By michaela renee on 6/22/2010 10:04 PM

It’s actually been quite difficult to gather my thoughts, perhaps because the entire city walks a bit faster, thinks a bit more sporadically and behaves a little more cautiously, or a bit less friendly.

I’ve been to fourteen countries, and major cities like London and Hong Kong, but the last time I felt this overwhelmed on vacation was at the Grand Canyon. Regardless of your vantage point, it’s simply too much to take in at once, and I’m the kind of person who likes to see it, contemplate it, smile about it and then move on to the next thing.

When I first received my Jet Blue itinerary for New York, all I could think of was that Jay-Z song, “now I’m down in Tribeca…” and the Alicia Read More »

By michaela renee on 6/22/2010 9:40 PM

You’ve done it once before
And you can do it once again
like running headlong into the wind
believe you know, what you believe in

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By michaela renee on 4/23/2010 8:28 AM

If we didn’t  Rochambeaux to avoid it every time someone needed to go down to the place that Mom called her “Wine Cellar…someday,” maybe I wouldn’t have been so afraid of it. But I can tell you, as I remember it, spiders the size of humans romp freely, and creepy reptiles crawl in the dark desolate corners. It might be worse than that, but most people who went under never came out alive. At least, that’s how the stories went between me and my brothers.

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By michaela renee on 3/11/2010 10:42 AM

I didn't get home from work until after 8pm, I was exhausted, more tired than I've been in weeks. Like the rest of the world I'd gotten the flu that's been going around, and it had done me in. As I started to change into something more comfortable I decided to leave on my bright orange tank and beige sweater but swap out my work slacks for a pair of flannel pjs. I slipped on my purple fuzzy Steve Madden slippers and scooted back towards the living room.

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By michaela renee on 3/2/2010 5:54 PM

I believe sometimes we trip and fall, and as our hands reach out in front of us our heart stops beating for just one moment, in that one moment our world changes.

Everything we felt was certain in the past, seems uncertain. And sometimes, as the mud below us quickly approaches, our faith in gravity changes.

I experienced one of those falls not too long ago, where every reason that I gave for being, and every hope that I had for living seemed questionable. I woke up in the morning and attempted to put my arms around a pain that was greater than me, I attempted to attribute answers to a question that only God could answer, "why?"

Why me? Why now? Why did I give up that, for this? Why?

In the single instant when our heart lands off kilter, and the time where we skip that beat, sometimes we're blessed with an answer. And though we may find ourselves brushing off the mud, we seem to find a way to laugh, because in th ... Read More »

By michaela renee on 2/19/2010 11:00 PM

I could close my eyes and picture every blind corner, every tree, and every stop sign between here and my parent’s house. My grandmother died in her sleep when I was 18, and I can still picture her soft eyes, much like my Dad’s and the sturdy way she upheld her emotions when someone brought up my Papa, who’d passed on years before after a horrible battle with cancer. And before he passed on, I still remember the way he would holler “JoJo” at her, and she’d come bustling down the long hallway and dig around in the icebox for the rainbow sherbet on summer afternoons. And as I pick up my cell phone to dial, I realize I no longer have the number stored, but it doesn’t matter…

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By michaela renee on 2/1/2010 9:02 PM

Inside here there is a girl, and on the outside there is a writer. I absolutely, positively can not compare myself to other well known authors, because that would be considered egotistical, especially given the lack of international status.

Until my book appears on the shelf of an airport Hudson Newsstand, I’m simply “aspiring.”

Inside is a girl, who is living every day life, and has an ability to see every situation as if I were living life in the third person. And when I sit down to type what I’ve witnessed, the words spill from my brain faster than the keys can type them.

But on the outside is a woman, who is a writer, and struggles with what everyone else around her thinks.

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By michaela renee on 1/19/2010 9:57 AM

Excerpts from this blog are found on www.Hartsong.org, and are part of the volunteer work Michaela does at Hartsong.

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By michaela renee on 1/5/2010 7:33 PM

When I first pulled up the vast gravel driveway a feeling of peace immediately washed over me. I spotted the metal blue heron nailed to a pine tree and chuckled, happens to be one of my favorite birds, and also happens to be the name of the street that the ranch is tucked into.

The irrigation ditch flowed under the road, and the cows roamed openly, the place was nothing less than tranquil.

Once I pulled the car up to the barn, I hesitated. I had read a lot about HartSong on their website, and I’d anticipated the day with excitement, but I knew it would not be without some feelings of sadness.

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By michaela renee on 12/22/2009 9:20 AM

I don’t believe in New Years Resolutions, I believe in Write-Off day (December 31st). Write Off Day is a day that serves like the red-line at the end of the quarter in most businesses, where you write off the losses. I wake up December 31st and make a list of all the things I regret, dislike or didn’t love about the year before, then right as the clock strikes midnight, I burn the list. This allows me to start fresh on January 1st, with no expectations, only hopes and no resolutions that are sure to set me up for failure.

In January 2009 I started a new tradition. I created my first dream board (some people call them vision boards).

Oprah has been promoting the dream board (and the concept of The Secret) for years on her show. A good friend of mine, Lorraine Salgueiro, of Bliss Yoga in Encinitas, was my 2009 dream board coach. Lorraine’s coined phrase is, “Have faith in destiny, the Universe always lines up.” And she is one of those people that j Read More »

By michaela renee on 12/1/2009 9:29 AM

 

I can’t write about self worth, but maybe you can.
I can’t tell you what I see, even though you peer in my eyes.
I can’t tell you what I feel, even though you hold me tight trying to figure it out.

I can wonder though, if what I think self worth is; is how you define it. Maybe the definition you’ve created is YOUR answer. Because I can call you on the phone and talk to you about it with great clarity; but when I stand in the face of it I crumble.

I guess that’s what you see, and that’s what you feel…

 

 

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By michaela renee on 11/24/2009 10:04 AM

I love you, and more than that I love the way you love me. The way you brush my hair back to see my eyes better. The way your eyes well up with tears when you reach the back of my mind.

I love the way you shed your coat in forty degree weather and wrap it around my shoulders because you saw me slightly shiver. I love the way you yell in a crowded airport “let me be the man” when I try to take control, and the way the embarrassment causes me to let go, let you have the reigns.

I love how you roll over half way through the night, patting around until you find it, my hip bone. And the way you run your fingers softly over the curve and then pull me close and squeeze tight, and even more the way you don’t let go until the sun starts rising over the dew speckled pines outside our window.

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By michaela renee on 11/9/2009 5:03 PM

This is conflict.

Conflict is right or left, North or South, East or West, up and down. Some people say that’s Yin and Yang.

Conflict is being caught in the middle of two people, or two ways of life.

Conflict is being a mother and a wife, a sister and a friend.

Conflict is what you actually think, and what you actually say.

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By michaela renee on 11/3/2009 8:40 PM

---------author’s note---------
This if for you, if you read this, you know that only you can finish it.

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By michaela renee on 10/21/2009 7:11 PM

I’ve been trying to write this piece since the day he called and said he was driving across California to get my stuff and bring me “home.” I thought about writing this the night I drunk dialed him and told him I’d buy a one way plane ticket from San Diego to Sacramento to fly up and drive back with him on the same day.

I contemplated writing this piece the afternoon he bit his tongue and worked side by side loading the truck with a guy I used to date who was still a good friend. And I wrote a whole paragraph the day I saw him pull out of the driveway with all my furniture headed for Northern California while I sadly stared down my final few days in San Diego.

By michaela renee on 10/14/2009 9:34 PM

My cat is the reason I know that everything happens for a reason. If you’ve read my memoir, you already know that Indy and Java both died at 6 years old, 6 weeks apart. It tore up my life and my heart in a way that was indescribable. I was at mile 18 of training for the 26.2 mile Rock N Roll Marathon. I was 4 weeks away from the race and after five months of training, I quit. I couldn’t face life. I couldn’t breathe, let alone run.

At that time I was living in the first home I ever purchased, a brand new condo in the heart of Mission Valley, San Diego. I’d bought the house before it was built, and designed it from the ground up. I love everything about that house, including that it was a stone’s throw from Qualcomm stadium where my San Diego Super Chargers played football.

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By michaela renee on 10/12/2009 11:55 PM

I don’t need the last word, but I got it. It took me a long time to realize that sometimes the last word isn’t spoken.

I’m not sure there’s much worse than opting to remain silent, when you would give anything to tell your side of the story. I’m not sure there’s anything more awful than knowing you’re right, and they’re wrong. I’m not entirely convinced that anyone ever gets closure by letting the other person have the last word. But what I know is, there’s peace in letting the last word go unspoken.

Someone whom I’ve never met, which believes they know me personally through friendship connections and Facebook opted to invade my privacy and send me a nasty email a few weeks ago. I opted to take the high road, which for me, was responding in kind and offering closure to her via an in person meeting, which would add dimension to the “me“ she believes she knows from my social networking site and our mutual friends.

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By michaela renee on 9/22/2009 7:30 PM

I was once told “an idle mind is the devil’s playground,” I agree, it’s scary up there alone.

I believe in creating your dreams, and I believe in following them. I believe in manifesting your future, and I’m effective at making it a reality. I believe what you put out to the Universe, you get back.

But sometimes I dwell.

I dwell on what people think, or thought. I dwell on whether or not I made the right decisions. I worry that I’ve said too much, and given too little. I worry that I’ve given too much, and said too little.

Sometimes people rush me. I’m always impatient. I stop to enjoy the view, which by definition is beautiful. I pause to capture a moment when it’s ugly, because I want to remember that too.
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By michaela renee on 9/2/2009 10:27 PM

They say we learned how to share in Kindergarten. Actually, they say just about everything we need to know we learned in Kindergarten.

I never had a sister.

So I never had to go through the pain and suffering of sharing girl time with my Mom, because I was the only girl. I never had a hand-me down dress for the Prom (well, at least not a hand me down from my older sister) and I never had some younger sister stealing all my shoes or my makeup.

But I had brothers…

Brothers usually ask nicely to share something with you, but saying no usually results in them just taking it. Brothers are famous for returning whatever they borrowed in far worse shape than it was loaned to them, if it’s returned at all.

After my ex-husband drove away with half our stuff I thought I’d never learn to share again.

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By michaela renee on 8/31/2009 2:08 PM

Me: His profile contained a picture of him hiking in the wilderness, and he looked quite dashing.

Therapist: Really? You don’t strike me as the wilderness type.

Me: Oh sure I am…I really enjoy a hike now and again…you know, on a paved path and stuff…or if there’s gravel or whatever. Plus I love REI, they have lots of cute stuff in there.

Therapist: Right, exactly. Not the wilderness type.

Me: So, I‘m reading through his page and it says, “I am fond of the great outdoors and I just love all of God‘s creatures.”

Therapist: Seems like a down-home boy.

Me: Oh, totally. I’ve been reading about all these country boys lately in the news and stuff…you know, tough economic times and these guys really know how to survive.

Therapist: And since when are you the damsel in distress?

Me: W Read More »

By michaela renee on 8/20/2009 9:34 PM

I wasn’t with him when he packed for our two week trip to the Pacific Northwest. So I absolutely knew I was going to have to deal with the Crest hogging half the sink at the Lodge. What I was unaware of though, is that he opted to step up his game.

I guess this is a good time to back up and tell you, I hate camouflage clothing. It’s fine on military boys, matter of fact, in that case I even get a little warm fuzzy. But on the average Joe, it makes me think of a bloody Bambi falling over in the wilderness leaving behind baby deer to starve.

He knows this.

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By michaela renee on 8/19/2009 5:33 PM

To say I’m a Class A grouch when I have to get up before the sun rises is the world’s understatement. Because I don’t think grouches have vengeance…and I do.

Unfortunately the sun rises early here, but fortunately my PIC knows this and he’s got a Class A strategy to counter my early AM attitude.

But I’m getting ahead of myself, because that little tidbit puts at day three.

Yesterday we woke up at a normal hour and had a breakfast consisting of a Bloody Mary, two eggs over-easy and toast, my absolute favorite.

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By michaela renee on 8/18/2009 9:26 AM

As we approached the floating dock, a circa 1950 plane sat bobbing in the wicked waters of the Ketchikan harbor. The wind was blustering. I glanced around questioning our decision not to hunker down for the night and catch the Ferry in the morning. Then I caught the age of the other two passengers…circa World War II. Which gave me a sigh of relief and an air of doubt in the same breath.

As the pilot tossed our luggage up in the small aircraft my co-partner or PIC on this journey mentioned that it would be a bumpy ride in the Beaver. My “what did you just say” death glare prompted him to continue on. “This is a DeHavaland Beaver, Babe…these pilots are the best in the country.”

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By michaela renee on 7/24/2009 7:37 AM

Me: So this guy invited me over for dinner at his place.

Therapist: Doesn‘t seem safe.

Me: In hindsight...nevermind. The thing is, he lives at a condo complex where a bunch of my friends live, and the houses are pretty tight together. So I figured if something happened I could yell louder than a hyena and escape safely.

Therapist: What was on the menu?

Me: His email said rib-eye, mashed potatoes and zucchini.

Therapist: Wow! So he’s a good cook too?

Me: I’m figuring you can’t eff up a rib-eye right? So I learned from a previous flub up that you should always bring a bottle of wine when invited to dinner at someone’s house.
&a Read More »