Have you ever been to a theme park on a busy weekend in the summer? You stand in line waiting for literally the better half of a couple of hours waiting to get to the front of the line, and then, once you are only three or four people back you start to have second thoughts? It’s not because you don’t want to go on the ride, you signed up for it to begin with, no one drugged you and inserted you half way in the middle of the line…you rightfully walked up to the line and jumped in it on your own. But it’s because all of a sudden you hear the screams, and get terribly nervous that maybe you’ve made some grave mistake…that maybe something awful will happen like you’ve seen in the horror movies and you’ll fall out and die. Suddenly you become overwhelmed with the fear of the “what if” and you feel a tremendous urge to turn back, and it’s then that you realize you are now at the front of the line, and it’s too late, you can’t turn back.

From your new vantage point you see people exiting the ride with these confusing looks of exhaustion combined with elation and you feel pretty certain that this ride was worth the wait, and that maybe everything will be okay after all. Then you begin to hear comments like, “that was the best ride ever,” and “wow, totally worth the wait,” and “it’s AWESOME!”

That’s what the last 4 weeks of pregnancy feels like. That’s the line I’m waiting in right now. And right now I’m about three or four back from the front.

My husband and I were en route home the other day, after hearing some sad news and I made the comment that, “it’s moments like these that remind you life changes quickly and to embrace what you have now.” And to that he said, “Wow babe, you know I love when you say stuff like that, and you are absolutely right.” This made me feel special, because it’s usually him who drops the pearls of life wisdom followed by some incredible analogy- a talent I often wish I could suck from the depths of his mind.

And though my mind drifted on that moment, he followed his thoughts by comments like, “I’m sad that I only have a few more weeks of seeing your pregnant body” and “this is the last few weeks that it’ll be just us…for us…for the rest of our lives.”

And it really got me thinking…I’m half overly excited to welcome our little guy into our lives and this great big world, and I’m half sad that after 31 years of life, I’m no longer “for me” anymore. And it’s not to say that forty weeks of eating with him in mind, and living life with him in my belly hasn’t been a little preparation.  But in less than a month, I won’t be able to stop off at the massage place for a 60-minute and a pedicure on my way home from the grocery store…

And though it’s been tough at times toting him around in my belly, I’ve always known he’s been pretty safe in there…and relatively easy to drag along on “my” daily errands. Not to mention, I’ve really become attached to feeling his little nightly drum solo’s on the inside of my abdomen, and I’ve become attached to having him right there. I’ve become attached to the intimate moments my husband and I have daydreaming about him, and “waiting” to feel him kick.

And though I know that there’s a whole new bag of intimate and exciting moments waiting in store, I’m kind of sad to let these ones go.

The biggest “he’s coming” day was last Saturday. After a 12-hour shopping spree, careful and exciting planning and perfect execution by my Momma and Hubby’s Momma, it was EVERYTHING I’d ever hoped and dreamed. I’d requested on an all organic, “Garden Party” theme with lime, chocolate and teal colors to match the nursery. My Mom worked up a stunning glass tower veggie display with wheatgerm grasses spread over the table. My Sis-In-Law made her amazing PG-21 cupcakes, Lime Mojito and Chocolate Banana, frosting died to match the theme to a T. We decorated a tree with pics of the hubby and I when we were little with “advice for the new mommy” and “guess the exact delivery day/time” cards, we even found Teal “it’s a boy” Willy Wonka Whirly Pops to decorate the dessert table. And then friends and family showed up with diapers and gifts to welcome the little one into our hearts.

I had “stolen” the idea of a time capsule from a friend, and my Dad had found a brand new paint can at home depot. Inside people put notes and messages to our little guy, for him to have and open in 18 years. Everyone at the shower put messages inside.

After years of passing on traditions like these, I finally got my “girl” day and I embraced every moment of it, it was for my little guy and it was incredibly special. And as I pulled up the driveway  following the shower that afternoon, my husband said, “I think you blew out the shocks with the weight of these gifts…is this normal?” The gifts were one thing, but as I sat in the nursery later I began to read the messages in the time capsule…my heart broke as I realized how much he means to everyone, and the incredible hopes people have for him.

I began to think of my own hopes for him and for me…as a mom. I looked around at the nursery, a French-Paisley theme, perfect dark wood furniture against a lime wall, sprinkled with teal color and mellowed with beige. It has become the coziest space for me to relax in. The piles of diapers were filled with images of happy babies and mommies, and suddenly it struck me that all of this- months of planning and prep, and an overwhelming amount of gifts was because any day now, he’d arrive, and I wouldn’t be sitting in that chair daydreaming, I’d be nursing.

One day, very soon, I will wake up and be able to roll over and off the bed, without grunts and struggles. One day, very soon, I will not have a baby bump, instead, I’ll have a swaddle bundle of cuddly love. But still, I’m positive there will be a sense of loss, just a little, for the amazing journey that the last 35 weeks have been.

Because, see, I’ve not just come to like my new body, I’ve come to love it…and love what it stands for. They say that in the days before child birth, this sense of sadness goes away, and you come to a place of just being excited for the future…so I guess that’s what these last few weeks are about...finding a space of embracing the moment, whatever the moment might bring.